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Ed Miliband stuck on repeat

An unfortunate Damon Green was confronted, on Thursday, by an Ed Miliband who had frozen – forever repeating the paragraph of:

I think these strikes are wrong at a time when negotiations are still underway. The government has acted in a reckless and provocative manner, but it is time for both sides to set aside the rhetoric and get around the negotiating table and stop this from happening again.

Video can be seen here:

Miliband’s aides quickly rebooted him once Mr Green had left. He’s now said to be functioning ‘normally’.

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Categories: Satire

Soon to be Dead Ed

On Thursday Ed Miliband defied the wishes of his paymasters and called the strikes a mistake and further claimed that the Basic State Pension is enough for everyone to survive on and didn’t know what all the fuss was about. He said this as he hoisted the Hammer and Sickle flag above his £1.6 million home near Hampstead Heath.

The Unions were fuming. With the usually docile ATL issuing a fatwa on Miliband’s head – dead or alive (preferably dead). A Unison representative said they gave life to Miliband and they ‘can take it away’. Bob Crow, of RMT fame, offered to ‘crack some f***ing nuts!”

Those on the right issued as statement in solidarity with Miliband, stating that it is ‘better to be dead than red’ whilst they visibly backed away from Mr. Miliband in case the angry mob turned on them after dealing with Miliband. Have fear right wingers, they’re after you too.

Some or all of this report may have been made up.

London: The City paved with debt

 

London: The City paved with debt were words, to the effect with less profanity, that were heard uttered by recent arrival to the City, Richard Whittington.

Richard, who goes by the name of Dick, arrived in the City recently accompanied by his cat. He was lured to the City on the promise of gold and riches. London was so wealthy its streets were said to have been paved with gold. Those days are long gone and the warm, soft gold has been replaced by cold, hard concrete.

Dick, a poor orphan boy, made his way to London from the gentle countryside in which he was raised.  After spending a week hunting for the gold and his last pound being spent on a swig of a tramp’s White Lightening, Dick collapsed, cold, hungry and tired, in front of the Fitzwarren Corporation.

The Fitzwarren Corporation, owned by the wealthy Fitzwarren Family, took pity on Dick and employed him as an errand boy. Soon Dick, through hard work and the cuteness of his cat,  was able to rise through the ranks of the Corporation to become PA to Mr Fitzwarren.

However, it was not before long that the Fitzwarren Corporation was faced with bankruptcy after being swindled out of its money by banks in the subprime mortgage business. The Corporation folded and Dick was made redundant. He had to sell his cat so he could make his rent.

Dick’s dreams of riches were dashed and his only worldly companion sold so he could survive.

Categories: Analysis, Economy, Satire Tags: , , ,

“I am Johann Hari” an interview with Mr. Hari

June 28, 2011 4 comments

I first met Mr. Hari on a Tuesday morning, the wind and rain still howling outside the small cafe where I had agreed to meet this formidable man. When I asked him about Brian Whelan’s accusations he looked around, in case someone was sitting close enough to listen in to this private and intimate conversation. Hari sighs. ‘None of my interviewees have ever said they had been misquoted’ he says, looking past me into the autumnal style summer weather beyond the safety of the window.

There’s a moment of silence, me thinking of whether I should accuse him of plagiarism or cheap journalism when he answers my thoughts for me:  ‘When I’ve interviewed a writer, it’s quite common that they will express an idea or sentiment to me that they have expressed before in their writing – and, almost always, they’ve said it more clearly in writing than in speech. (I know I write much more clearly than I speak – whenever I read a transcript of what I’ve said, or it always seems less clear and more clotted. I think we’ve all had that sensation in one form or another)’. I remark that he speaks as clearly as he writes as his spoken grammar is perfect. We share a laugh.

I then ask him about his relationships with Gideon Levy, Martin Amis and Larry Flynt. Gideon Levy loves his writing style and his interview technique with Levy once saying to Hari ‘ that it was “the most accurate take on me anyone has written” and “profoundly moved him”’. Martin Amis, he says, stumbles a lot in his conversational style and is quite difficult to understand. His impersonation is highly amusing: ‘“Um, I think, you know, he got the figures for, uh, how many Muslims there are in Europe upside down”’. When I spoke to Martin later that day he confessed he had never heard of Johann Hari, but would soon Google his name. Larry Flynt was another kettle of fish completely. Hari thought him to be a charming man, but Flynt did not feel the same way and sent him hate mail calling him a ‘creepy little slimeball’. One could tell that this still hurts Hari.

As the interview drew to a close and Hari says goodbye, these final words linger, as do their implications. Does it matter what was written and what is said? Is it the job of the journalist to be precise about the when as well as the what? Does it affect ones credibility? As I turned back to the Cafe to see if Hari had any more expertly balanced phrases to contribute, I could just about glimpse the empty bottle on the table, and his head slumped wearily next to it. Questions for another day, perhaps.

Some or all of this interview may be plagiarised and/or made up

Obituary: Britannia

October 19, 2010 Leave a comment

The Great and ever victorious Britannia is dead. She will be mourned by a nation.

Britannia was born at the beginning of time to Europe and God. She was the outsider in her family, rejected by her jealous sisters for her ravishing beauty, her fierce temperament, and hips that would bear an Empire.

Every woman wanted to be her and every man wanted to be with her.

Her sister, Marianne, was, for a long time, jealous of Britannia. While Britannia had the beauty and the modesty Marianne was off cavorting with French peasants. Marianne wanted to be Britannia, but eventually she settled to be the fiery, less attractive sister who has a thing for short cowardly men, and a penchant for cheese.

She had relationships with many people; the longest on/off relationship was with Mister Conservative, though she had flings with Messrs Labour and Liberal. Mister Conservative was her favourite, and she his. They had their fallings out, as do all relationships. He cared for her like a gentle lover would. He gave her gifts, fed her grapes as she relaxed on the Chaise Longue, read to her. He made sweet, sweet love to her. It was a special relationship and from their communion many children were borne. When they argued, he was out of the House for a while, before she forgave him and invited him back – mainly for the sex.

But when they did have their arguments, there were always others to step into the gap Mister Conservative left. Those were namely Messrs Labour and Liberal. Mister Liberal was a timid lover who rarely showed any passion and drive that attracted Britannia. Love was made, but there wasn’t much in it. Mister Labour was the casual fling; she was the casual fling for him. He often neglected her and was often found in the embrace of other women, especially N.H. Service. But he was good to her when he was around, often buying her gifts and showing her the passion she craved. In the end she always went back to Mister Conservative.

Her downfall arrived on the 19th of October in the Two Thousand and Tenth Year of our Lord. Britannia was cruelly beaten to death by the man who claimed loved her, encouraged by his jealous business partner Mister Liberal Democrat.

It is a complicated tale to tell and not a pleasant outcome. Mister Liberal Democrat, having never experienced the taste of Britannia and never likely would do either, entered into a business arrangement with Mister Conservative after arrangements with Mister Labour collapsed. It was a good deal for Mister Conservative, he was back earning money and he was back in the embrace of his beloved Britannia. Jealous of what Mister Conservative had with Britannia, Mister Liberal Democrat began feeding Mister Conservative lies about Britannia and how she was some sort of cheap whore. These rumours remain as rumours, vile and malicious as they are. In a fit of rage, encouraged by Mister Liberal Democrat, Mister Conservative beat Britannia to death. Blinded her because she saw too much, gagged her because she threatened to speak up. Shield stolen so she could not defend herself and trident snapped so she could not attack back. All this was done in the presence of Mister Liberal Democrat who was shouting encouragement and lies while sadistically shaving Britannia’s lion. If that was not enough, they maimed her three sons. The oldest, Royal Navy was drowned before being crippled. He is still in intensive care. Her middle child, Army, was up in arms about the commotion before he too was bloodied and crippled. He may never walk again. The youngest, Royal Air Force was quiet throughout, but he did not escape the carnage. He had his wings clipped and his aspirations of becoming a pilot may never happen.

Shocked at what happened, Mister Conservative broke down in tears and began blaming Mister Liberal Democrat. Mister Liberal Democrat, with his silken tongue, convinced him to blame it on Mister Labour’s neglect that ultimately led to her ‘suicide’. Fortunately for justice the plot was foiled. Messrs Conservative and Liberal Democrat were not available for comment at the time of printing.

Britannia is survived by many, many children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren etc., etc.

Britannia, born when time began, died 19/10/10, aged ageless.

Drinking A Cup of Water Backwards Cures Hiccups Claims Ahmadinejad

September 25, 2010 Leave a comment

The revelation that Hiccups can potentially be cured by drinking a glass of water backwards is only one of the many shocking claims put forward by the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. In an interview given shortly after his notorious speech to the UN, the President was eager to expose this miracle cure that, he suggested, had been “suppressed for generations by the United States Government” in an attempt to reverse the failing American economy and save the Zionist Regime in Israel. Although this claim was incredible enough in itself Ahmadinejad did not stop there. From his own, careful research Ahmadinejad said that he was now able to prove that carrots can make you see in the dark, the Moon landings were a hoax, JFK was in fact shot by Big-Foot and Princess Diana is alive and well living on Mars with Elvis. Furthermore the Iranian President argued that this information had been kept from the public by the American secret service in order to preserve the position of the United States in the Middle East. Doubt was cast on the veracity of this information, however, when Ahmadinejad went on to explain that this knowledge was well known throughout the world and that his opinions were generally held to be fact and shared by almost everyone, ever. In a final statement the President warned attending journalists of the dangers of walking under ladders and to be wary of America’s de facto ruler, Chuck Norris. With a last wave to the cheering crowds Ahmadinejad departed in his flying saucer.

These new revelations come after Ahmadinejad’s eye-opening speech to the UN earlier this week. Speaking to a packed theatre he was able to finally expose the well-known secret that the September 11th bombings had in fact been orchestrated by the United States government. Although this carefully researched theory is not yet widely known it is supported by “The majority of the American people as well as most nations and politicians around the world”. While some, more narrow-minded, individuals may disagree with this view nobody can deny that the sudden and suspicious departure by the American delegation during the speech only served to betray the truth of Ahmadinejad’s words. With this knowledge now out in the open the world can only watch with baited breath to see how America will respond.

Raphael Nonverum

Categories: Satire Tags: ,

Vince Cable: Professional Comedian

September 22, 2010 Leave a comment

Vince arrived at the Lib Dem Conference in Liverpool today against the backdrop of a leaked speech to the media in which he criticised Capitalism for killing competition. When he took the podium he tripped, he walked it off with a little smile thus beginning his career as a comedian.

He started listing all the people and groups of society that hate him – there’s actually a lot – and shrugged it off with a classic line: “I must be doing something right.”

And then he started pulling the comedic punches:

But I am told that I look miserable. I’m sorry, conference, this is my happy face. ‘Aren’t you having fun?’ people ask. It isn’t much fun but it’s necessary.

As for real fun, I am introducing dancing classes into the coalition. Unfortunately, I keep treading on Theresa May’s toes and my partners think I have two left feet.

But what is it like being in bed with the Tories? It’s exhausting; it’s exhausting because you have to fight to keep the duvet.

It seems that Vince may have something for Theresa May and her shoe collection – that would be the only reason why one would be interested in Theresa May, is it not?

Then Vince reverted to type and became a typical economist, and a Lib Dem one at that, which ruins my argumentfor Vince being a Professional Comedian – so I shall omit it.