Posts Tagged ‘Religion’

Drinking A Cup of Water Backwards Cures Hiccups Claims Ahmadinejad

September 25, 2010 Leave a comment

The revelation that Hiccups can potentially be cured by drinking a glass of water backwards is only one of the many shocking claims put forward by the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. In an interview given shortly after his notorious speech to the UN, the President was eager to expose this miracle cure that, he suggested, had been “suppressed for generations by the United States Government” in an attempt to reverse the failing American economy and save the Zionist Regime in Israel. Although this claim was incredible enough in itself Ahmadinejad did not stop there. From his own, careful research Ahmadinejad said that he was now able to prove that carrots can make you see in the dark, the Moon landings were a hoax, JFK was in fact shot by Big-Foot and Princess Diana is alive and well living on Mars with Elvis. Furthermore the Iranian President argued that this information had been kept from the public by the American secret service in order to preserve the position of the United States in the Middle East. Doubt was cast on the veracity of this information, however, when Ahmadinejad went on to explain that this knowledge was well known throughout the world and that his opinions were generally held to be fact and shared by almost everyone, ever. In a final statement the President warned attending journalists of the dangers of walking under ladders and to be wary of America’s de facto ruler, Chuck Norris. With a last wave to the cheering crowds Ahmadinejad departed in his flying saucer.

These new revelations come after Ahmadinejad’s eye-opening speech to the UN earlier this week. Speaking to a packed theatre he was able to finally expose the well-known secret that the September 11th bombings had in fact been orchestrated by the United States government. Although this carefully researched theory is not yet widely known it is supported by “The majority of the American people as well as most nations and politicians around the world”. While some, more narrow-minded, individuals may disagree with this view nobody can deny that the sudden and suspicious departure by the American delegation during the speech only served to betray the truth of Ahmadinejad’s words. With this knowledge now out in the open the world can only watch with baited breath to see how America will respond.

Raphael Nonverum

Categories: Satire Tags: ,

The Papal Visit

August 23, 2010 6 comments

Why is the Pope coming to The United Kingdom?

With the impending Papal visit I have come to consider why the Pope is coming here. This is the first papal visit in nearly three decades. Now while John Paul II, who was undoubtedly a bit of a rebel Pope was the previous Pope to visit, there has not been a papal visit since Henry VIII got angry because his wife was getting on a bit. Now while I understand that the Popes between Henry VIII and George IV may have feared being burnt, thankfully we have moved on since then.

There must have been a reason that from 1829 and the Catholic Emancipation Act that no Pope decided to come to our fabled shores. The UK would seem the perfect place to try conversion of other Christians, Christians who are born into a state religion as opposed to the ‘freedom’ of being a Catholic. It would seem that there is some other reason for the Popes of the past not coming here. Is it the fierce religious opposition of the population? I highly doubt it as a race 45% of us say that we have no religion. This would again seem a good reason for a Pope to visit the U.K. An adventurous Pope, which I know is a slightly oxymoronic, would I am sure wish not to travel to countries with large amounts of popular support but to seek out challenging areas where the message of Catholicism could be spread. So maybe this is the reason that Pope Benedict XVI is coming to our very un-catholic and unreligious land, but no he is coming to proclaim that a man who died in 1890 is someone who he believes, with great fervour I am sure, is in heaven and has the ear of god.

I am just going to take a little time here to have a sideways rant. While I myself am an atheist of the Dawkins breed, I am liberal enough to believe that anyone is free to believe in whatever they want even when I know they are wrong. On that note one of my main concerns with the incompatibility of religion and some sense of logic is this: Almost all religions claim that their deity is omnipotent and omniscient. This means that their deity is all powerful and all knowing. If that is true it means that the deity cannot change its mind because it already knows the path or choice it must take or make. Therefore why pray? Your deity has already decided whether or not they will do what you ask. This is just one of the logical fallacies that I believe help to disprove religion. Rant Over

Now I turn to the question of why the Pope is coming here or more specifically why is someone who has the same status as the leader of a country, not a large amount of misguided individuals, which I believe him to be, being invited on a state visit? Well Gordon Brown, who felt the need for a private audience with his holiness in February of 2009, extended a formal invitation for the Pope to visit the U.K. Gordon Brown, who as I have previously said was not even elected, invited a man who denies scientific fact to further the proliferation of Bronze Age myths to our country, for reasons that elude me. The leader of our country invited a high profile figure who speaks out directly against certain U.K. laws, notably gender equality, sexual freedom of the individual, as well as the condemnation of condoms in the fight against HIV/AIDs. Of course for any other world leader to say that the use of condoms helps the spread of HIV/AIDs would be deplored as ridiculous and dangerous, but because this man who was elected by fellow men not elevated by a deity claims that his deity would prefer it this way apparently that is ok. Just in case the Pope ever reads this, in the Glorious Revolution of 1688-1689 The United Kingdom began the ending of the Divine Rights of rulers and it is time the Papacy came forward by almost four hundred years. How can one be a moral leader when he believes people should be treated differently because of who they were born or choose to be?

Finally if you do not agree with my arguments of why the Pope should not be coming to our country, the majority of whose citizens he could not convert, because they have out grown the need for blinkers to understand the world they evolved in, do you agree that in this time when budgets are being cut left right and centre in the public sector, should the public be expected to foot the bill of a £15 million visit with the added security costs on top of that. The Pope has a plan for what happens after you die. No matter whom you voted for or even if you voted, at least the politicians we have are trying to solve the problems we have now and I hope none of them are praying for a solution because even if I were wrong it would not do them or more importantly us any good.