Posts Tagged ‘Tea’

The British Tea Party

September 21, 2010 Leave a comment

The Yanks have established their own Tea Party so we, at the Oldfield-Pike Project, have decided to respond to this threatening menace with a Tea Party of our own.


We, the undersigned, hereby declare the independence of our Nation of Tea Drinkers from the Tyranny of the Coffee Drinkers, otherwise known as right-wing Americans. They have no concept of Tea, besides throwing it into rivers – the swine!

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Tea is brewed equal, that they are endowed by the Tea Drinker with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Water, Tea Leaf and the pursuit to be Consumed. That to secure these rights, Tea Parties are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the tea drinkers, That whenever any Form of Tea Party becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Parties, laying its foundation on such principles and organising its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Sandwiches and Scones. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Tea Parties long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and fouling of teabags, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such a Tea Party, and to provide new Parties for their future security and tea consumption.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Tea Party Organiser whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of free tea drinkers.

Such has been the patient sufferance of these tea drinkers; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Party of Tea drinking. The history of the present Tea Party of America is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these tea drinkers. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

They have refused the Assent to Drink, the most wholesome and necessary tea for the public good.
They have forbidden the Tea Party Organisers to pass Etiquette of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till the Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, they have utterly neglected to attend to these Parties.
They have refused to pass other Rules of Etiquette for the accommodation of large parties of tea drinkers, unless those people would relinquish the right to Party and consume Tea, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
They have called together Tea Parties at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their group of Tea Drinkers, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with their measures.
They have dissolved Tea Parties repeatedly, for opposing with gentlemanly firmness their invasions on the proper Etiquette accorded to Tea Parties.
They have refused for a long time, after such disolutions, to cause others to Party; whereby the Etiquette, incapable of Annihilation, has returned to the People at large for their exercise; the Party remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of crashing from without, and convulsions within.
They have endeavoured to prevent the consumption of Tea at these Parties; for that purpose obstructing the Etiquette for Naturalization of Foreign Tea; refusing to pass other tea leafs to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Tea Bags.
They have obstructed the Administration of Etiquettte, by refusing the Assent to Drink for establishing Tea Drinking Etiquette.
They have made Gentleman dependent on their Will alone, for the tenure of their tea parties, and the amount of their tea leafs.
They have erected a multitude of New Parties, and sent hither swarms of Coffee Drinkers to harrass our people, and eat our cucumber sandwiches.
They have kept among us, in times of plenty, Party Crashers without the Consent of our Etiquette.
They have affected to render the Tea Ladies independent of and superior to the Tea Drinkers.
They have combined with others to subject us to an Etiquette foreign to our sensibilities, and unacknowledged by our rules; giving their Assent to their Acts of pretended Etiquette:

For Quartering large bodies of Party Crashers among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any fouling of tea bags which they should commit on the partakers of these Parties:
For cutting off our Trade with all tea producing parts of the world:
For imposing Tea Taxes on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Tea Brewing:
For transporting us beyond the Kettle to be tried for pretended offences to Brewing:
For abolishing the free System of English Tea Drinking in a neighbouring Tea Party, establishing therein an Arbitrary Cofftea Party, and enlarging its Etiquette so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into our Tea Parties:
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Etiquettes, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Tea Brewing:
For suspending our own Tea Parties, and declaring themselves invested with power to party for us in all cases whatsoever.
They have abdicated Partying here, by declaring us out of their Tea Consortium and waging a Price War against us.
They have plundered our tea reserves, ravaged our kettles, burnt our tea plants, and destroyed the happiness of our tea pots.
They are at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Coffee Drinkers and Party Crashers to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Heads of a Tea Party.
They have constrained our fellow Tea Drinkers taken Captive in the Tea Fields to bear Arms against their Party, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
They have excited domestic party crashing amongst us, and have endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Italian Coffee Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and tea leafs.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the Tea Party of Great Britain, in General tea Consumption, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the riectitude of our etiquette, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of this Tea Party, solemnly publish and declare, That this Tea Party of Great Britain is, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent Parties; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the American Party of ‘Tea’ Drinkers, and that all political connection between them and the Party of Republican Coffee Drinkers, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Parties, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Parties may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Kettles, our Tea Leafs and our sacred Tea Pots.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our American brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over tea drinking. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our choice of tea leafs and water hardness here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations of hot beverage type, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of etiquette and of our mutual love for hot drinks. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of hot beverage consumers, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

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